Reasons I'm Not Getting Laid From Tinder

1. I'm super picky about swiping right. 
If your bio says, "We can lie to our kids about how we met", you're being swiped left.
If your bio has a picture of you with a dead animal, you're going left.
If all of your pictures are group photos, you are the least attractive. Left.
If you clearly have a girlfriend in each of your pictures. Left.
If all of your pictures are shirtless bathroom selfies, it's a left.

Seriously, Baldassare, I'm sure you have a lovely personality. 

Actually, wait, woah, check these abs out.

2. Alright, let's say I do swipe right. Option one, you have a horrible pick up line.

3. Option two, I have a horrible pickup line. 
Or, I'm, you know, just generally incredibly awkward. Seduction is not my forte.

We literally have chemistry together. Alas, he's forever out of my reach. 

4. So, maybe we matched and a conversation has blossomed. At this point, we usually hit the Weinergate scandal.
BAM. Awkwardly semi flaccid penis. BAM. Uncomfortably lumpy scrotum. BAM. Razor burn and scraggy pubic hair. Please, for the love of God, stop.

5. Or it turns out you're sketch.
It's Tinder, I know, but still, some guys are sketchier than others. I'm not going to meet a stranger in a random house alone at one in the morning. I'm not going to fulfill anyone's fantasy of raping a stranger in the woods.

6. You're looking for more than I am.
Don't try to buy me dinner. It's sweet, but honestly, feels like you're trying to buy me. I'm not looking to be anyone's girlfriend.

7. I'm looking for more than you are.
On the other hand, I'm not exactly looking for a "wham bam thank you ma'am". Seduce me with a bit a Netflix, junk food, witty puns, and the possibility of a repeat visit.


Self Respect

This bothers me. Stop equating self respect with chastity. Self respect has nothing to do with sex or nudity. Self respect is pride and confidence in oneself, following your own beliefs. If, for you, that means chastity, good for you. If it doesn't, good for you. But they are not the same thing. 

Do you remember that scene in 17 Again, when Zac Efron encourages the girls in his sex ed to respect themselves and stay virgins? Or in It's a Boy Girl Thing, where the "slut" gets what she deserves for not wearing panties when her dress rips off, and he ends up with the more "respectable" prude? Our culture draws a strong connection between chastity and self-respect. But puritanism died in the early 1700s.  I wish they had taken their ideas with them. 

It's your body. You can show as much of it, or as little of it as you want, without being a slut or a prude. Self respect is attractive. So is nudity. So is someone who respects themselves and is also nude. So is someone who respects themselves and is not nude. I don't stop respecting myself when I show myself to a partner. My self respect comes from my confidence and sticking to my own values. 

Take pride in yourself. Don't compromise your values, regardless of what they are.

Sexism in the Second Row

Just when I thought I was out of things to vent about, everyday sexism strikes again.

Our professor was telling us a story about his wife, and joked that if you ever wanted to a win an argument, not to marry an attorney. "I can't win," he told us, "I'll say, 'Just tell me how to feel so we can move on!'". A boy in the second row called out, "Isn't that how fights with women always go?"

Just like that. Half the class hoots, some, like me, shoot silent glares, other just wait for a response.

The professor handled it in the most beautiful way I could've hoped. "I've only ever been married to a woman," he told us, "so I can't really say from experience, but I don't think it's a gender thing."

There are a lot of things I hate about the sexism from the second row. Firstly and obviously, it's incredibly sexist. It's degrading and  offensive. Secondly and indirectly, it feels like gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one partner tries to manipulate another's perceptions of reality, or make them doubt their own sanity. I know, the connection is a stretch, but as someone who's been through it, it's a little too familiar. Have you ever heard a guy try to end an argument by telling a girl she's just "acting crazy"? Asking, "Jeez, are you on your period or something? Or in this case, dismissing a woman by generalizing her as bossy and nagging.

Stop. Stop doing this. Stop generalizing, stop accusing.

Porn TED Talk

Firstly, I love TED talks. Secondly, TED talks are long. So here are the main points I want to address in this one.

  • The speaker doesn't support watching porn.
  • Porn is violent and angry, and encourages the same sort of behavior in its viewers.
  • Porn isn't about erotica or communication, but about the male domination of women.
  • Porn doesn't involve touching (i.e. petting, caressing, hugging). Just penetration. 

Here's the thing. I think he's right, but I think he's wrong. It's too easy to find the type of porn he's talking about. The "rape" and "humiliation" categories, the handless sex, and male domination are very accurately addressed and easy to find, especially for developing adolescents, and I don't think that's healthy. But I don't think the solution is to boycott porn. I think the solution is to change it. If porn more accurately represented healthy sex, regardless of the category it fell into, I think we'd have less of a problem.

And, knock on wood, I think porn is changing for the better. The rise of Tumblr accounts that feature healthy erotica and intimacy and celebrate different body types, as well as the appearance of more non-traditional porn stars is wonderful. I saw a BDSM scene the other night, and to tell the truth, my favorite part was the followup/aftercare. The actors laughed together, they joked, they talked about what they liked and what they didn't. I think that's the most important, and often most overlooked part of sex. They communicated, and reinforced that the entire scene was completely consensual and safe.

Points from the TED talk I strongly agree with.

  • The importance of sexual freedom and expression.
  • The importance of intimacy in porn.
  • The importance of emotionally safe sex. 
  • How awesome would it be if there was laughter in porn. (Not a laugh track. Except, maybe a laugh track. Oh my god, has anyone ever put a sitcom laugh track to porn?)