Reasons I'm Not Getting Laid From Tinder

1. I'm super picky about swiping right. 
If your bio says, "We can lie to our kids about how we met", you're being swiped left.
If your bio has a picture of you with a dead animal, you're going left.
If all of your pictures are group photos, you are the least attractive. Left.
If you clearly have a girlfriend in each of your pictures. Left.
If all of your pictures are shirtless bathroom selfies, it's a left.

Seriously, Baldassare, I'm sure you have a lovely personality. 

Actually, wait, woah, check these abs out.

2. Alright, let's say I do swipe right. Option one, you have a horrible pick up line.


3. Option two, I have a horrible pickup line. 
Or, I'm, you know, just generally incredibly awkward. Seduction is not my forte.

We literally have chemistry together. Alas, he's forever out of my reach. 

4. So, maybe we matched and a conversation has blossomed. At this point, we usually hit the Weinergate scandal.
BAM. Awkwardly semi flaccid penis. BAM. Uncomfortably lumpy scrotum. BAM. Razor burn and scraggy pubic hair. Please, for the love of God, stop.

5. Or it turns out you're sketch.
It's Tinder, I know, but still, some guys are sketchier than others. I'm not going to meet a stranger in a random house alone at one in the morning. I'm not going to fulfill anyone's fantasy of raping a stranger in the woods.

6. You're looking for more than I am.
Don't try to buy me dinner. It's sweet, but honestly, feels like you're trying to buy me. I'm not looking to be anyone's girlfriend.

7. I'm looking for more than you are.
On the other hand, I'm not exactly looking for a "wham bam thank you ma'am". Seduce me with a bit a Netflix, junk food, witty puns, and the possibility of a repeat visit.

…wait,what?

2 comments:

  1. baldassare looks yummy

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would suck off Baldassare any day.

    ReplyDelete