The tragedy at UCSB last week launched a powerful argument, that while not all men channel frustration into aggression, all women have felt the effects of discrimination, harassment, or some other form of misogyny. The hashtag #YesAllWomen exploded on Twitter, with over a million people sharing their own stories and experiences.

Not everyone supports the hashtag. Heather Wilhelm at the Federalist calls this the most narcissistic event of 2014, and argues that women are trying to play the victim, just like Elliot Rodger did. I disagree. I don't believe that women are using the tragedy for pity. This fight has been simmering for much longer than that. Maybe it's reached a boiling point. Maybe it hasn't yet. After all, it's just a hashtag, but it's started a discussion. 

In the words of Maya Angelou, "[t]here is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." These things are things we need to talk about. We need to talk about misogyny, we need to talk about the way our culture is allowing abuse and harassment. When only 40% of sexual assaults are reported to the police, when 97% of rapists will never go to jail, don't tell me that silence is ok. (RAINN)

We need to address this, and we need to address it now. The hashtag has sparked discussion about rape in India and Africa, about sexual assaults on college campuses. And I think that's a step in the right direction. Do not be silent. 

Elliot Rodger and Misogyny


There is not much more I can say than has already been said. This sickens and saddens me, and I wanted to address part of this in the most respectful way I can.

Elliot Rodger swore to punish those who had rejected him. Misogyny kills. This wasn't the first time, and sadly, won't be the last. His words are deeply disturbing. "You girls have never been attracted to me," he says, "and I will punish you for it."

We tell girls to keep their guards up, never to walk home alone, to carry mace, to cover their drinks, not to trust. We tell girls not to wear short skirts, we tell girls they're asking for it. When I was a freshman in high school, I got death threats, I got rape threats, I was harassed. And I was told that "boys will be boys".

This article is a good read.

This is not ok. None of this is ok.

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them" -Margaret Atwood

Virginity is a Myth

I took this off my tumblr dashboard, because it makes me sick. Firstly, oh my god, who says "yolo" anymore? Secondly, if you DO say yolo, please don't follow it with "you only live once". That's worse than people who say "ATM machine". Thirdly, and most importantly, nobody, especially an anonymous twat on the internet, has the right to judge anyone else's decision to be sexually active or not.

Note that I said "sexually active" and not "being virgin [sic]", because frankly, virginity is just an abstract concept. Not everyone defines virginity in the same way; it's not something quantifiable or measurable. Yes, technically, virginity is "the state of never having had sexual intercourse", but then we get into weird definitions of what sexual intercourse actually is. Is it limited to penetrating a vagina with a penis? And in that case, are all gold-star gays* virgins? And what about the hymen?

Let's start with inanimate objects. As far as I'm concerned, you can't lose your virginity to something inanimate, but not everyone feels that way. I've heard more than one person declare that they lost their virginity to an extra thick tampon. Of course, the idea here is breaking the hymen.

Many people believe that the hymen represents virginity, and that once it breaks, you're no longer a virgin. In many cultures, a woman is often not considered a suitable bride without an intact hymen, and some companies even sell "fake hymens", so a bride can bleed on her wedding night. The thing is, hymens don't need to "break". If they did, they'd have to break before a girl's first period, or no blood could come out. Hymens have holes in them already, they're mostly just a membrane around the edges. Hymens stretch, and more elastic hymens may go back to their original state, even after sex. Disease, medical examination, exercise, masturbation, and injury can all affect the hymen, and sometimes yes, there is blood. "Popping your cherry" is not always a result of sex, and certainly not a definitive measurement of virginity.

A friend once told me that virginity was lost once someone risked an STI. By her definition, she lost her virginity by having oral sex with her girlfriend, no penetration necessary.  Another girl explained to me that even though she had anal sex, she still considered herself a virgin, because she was saving her hymen. Yet another admitted that she had had sex, but because her partner only lasted two thrusts, it didn't count. Everyone uses their own definitions, which is why personally, I think it's safer to use "sexually active". At any point, a person can choose to be sexually active, or not. Each time a person has sex, they make that choice again, and it's just as important.

I hate the idea that virginity fundamentally changes a person. The idea of a tainted girl is a dangerous one. Abstinence only education programs often compare a sexually active girl to a half eaten meal, or a chewed up piece of gum, or even a dirty peppermint patty. Once a girl has sex, she no longer has value. What kind of lesson is that? It teaches us that after a girl loses her virginity, the decision to have sex or not no longer carries the weight it did for the first time.

A girl has value before and after becoming sexually active, because value doesn't come from virginity. Virginity is not something you have to get rid of or protect. You are not losing any part of yourself. Most importantly, it's your decision how, when, and what you do, each time you do it.

* Gold-star gay is a gay person who's never had sex with someone of the opposite gender. Cartoonist Bill Roundy wrote an interesting web comic you can find here about how sex with transgendered men  made people question his status as a gold star gay.

Are You My Tinderella? (Part 2)

Alright, Tinder has yet to stop being fun. Being in a different state means a ton of new matches. I want to bring all of these guys home to meet my parents, or at least share them with all of you.

Let's look at my new potential partners. 
Recently dumped by LaFawnduh 

One word. Yum.

I feel like this guy would be really into anal.

 And can we talk about these pick up lines? These are solid gold. Marry me, all of you. 

If Tinder is good for anything, it's feeding the delusion that I can cause random Tinder boys to believe in love at first sight. For about two minutes.

In a much more interesting turn of events, Tinder has spat back a number of interesting people worth continuing to talk to, which means, of course, I will continue to blog.

No words.